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  K is for KNIFEBALL

  an alphabet of TERRIBLE advice

  by Avery Monsen and Jory John

  To our parents. We're so sorry.

  Now listen up, youngster. (Yes, you with the lice.) We wrote you this book. It's chock full of advice. But before you proceed, little dudette or dude, by reading this waiver, you hereby declare that you won't get a lawyer. You promise. You swear.

  Avery Monsen and Jory John, the authors of “K is For Kinfeball: An Alphabet of Terrible Advice” (hereafter referred to as “THE BOOK”), in accordance with federal and state laws and basic common sense, hereby distance themselves from all potential damages incurred by readers attempting to perform the activities recommended herein, including but not limited to: fire damage, jail time, broken bones, hurt feelings, tummy aches, tuberculosis, detention, disappointment, chapped lips, social stigma and/or stigmata, tooth decay, rabies, scabies, scrumples, scrunchies, crazy eye, lazy eye, Lyme disease, lockjaw, any variety of rash, death or double-death, in perpetuity, which means for an incredibly long time... let’s just say until the end of the world or the last copy of this book is sold, whichever comes first.

  By reading this, you agree that you will read this book, laugh at the jokes, buy a few copies for your friends, write a glowing review online, and, most importantly, not hurt yourself or someone else or both.

  And if you do hurt yourself, you won’t get a lawyer. And if you do get a lawyer, rest assured that we’ll get 12 lawyers, all of them inside a giant coat, talking at the same time.

  Seriously.

  A is for apple. Eat one every day. And then wash it down with your mom's Cabernet.

  B is for blender. Your daddy won't mind if you drop in his Rolex and set it to "GRIND."

  C is for cop with a big, shiny gun. Sneak up and tickle him! That'll be fun!

  D is for drifter who's out on your lawn. Bring him inside when your parents are gone.

  D's also for dinner. There's plenty to eat. He's under your bed; sneak your drifter some meat.

  E stands for eat just as much as you can. Eat ice cream and waffles and turkey and ham.

  Eat pickles and tuna fish, milkshakes and figs! Eat pencils and stencils and thumbtacks and twigs!

  Eat baskets of beard hair! Eat mountains of mud! And wash it all down with a bucket of blood!

  F is for fire, made with logs and a lighter. Throw Daddy's wallet in. It'll burn brighter!

  Now Daddy is shouting like you've never heard. And he keeps repeating a different F word.

  G is for Grandma. Remind her that she'll be dead soon.

  H: Hide and seek! It's a great game to play. Quick! Climb in here! They'll be searching all day.

  I's for identity: easily stolen. Just take some guy's credit card. BOOM! Now you're Nolan.

  J is for justice. Make sure things are fair. If somebody wrongs you, just cut off their hair.

  K is for knifeball.

  L is for looting. It's time for a spree. Throw a rock through a window! The toys are all free!

  M is for marker, your #1 tool for writing your name on the walls of your school.

  N is for nozzle, the end of the hose. Water the carpet and watch how it grows!

  O is for open things up with your teeth. If your molars fall out, more will grow underneath!

  P is for push when you're waiting in line. Do you want to move forward? Just aim for the spine.

  [We'll figure out a drawing for this later.]

  Q is for quit

  at the first sign of struggle.

  As long as you . . . um . . .

  Q is for . . . whatever.

  R's for raccoon that you meet on the street. There's foam on his mouth because he's been drinking root beer floats and he probably wants to share them with you!

  R has nothing to do with rabies.

  S stands for sun that shines bright every day. How long can you stare at it? Don't look away!

  T's for tattoo. It's never too early to ink up your body and start acting surly.

  T's also for tombstone. But who is it for? Your grandmother, silly! She was found on the floor.

  U is for undies. They cover your stuff. Wash them or don't. Mostly clean's clean enough.

  D is for drifter. He's still in your house. He's wearing your shoes and your mom's nicest blouse.

  V is for veggies your parents prepare. They're guaranteed poison. All eaters beware.

  W? Washer, for T-shirts and jeans. It's also for kitty! He needs a good clean.

  X is for eXplore.

  Y IS FOR YELL AS IN SCREAM EVERY WORD. SHRIEKING'S THE EASIEST WAY TO BE HEARD.

  And Zs are the sounds that you make when you snore. Rest up, little buddy, tomorrow there's more!

  We hope you've learned something you'll never forget from our little book and our alphabet. Be patient, young reader, and soon you will see: Our teachings can make you the best you can be!

  With that, we are finished. Our gospel is spread. By the time that you read this, we've probably fled. To Cambodia.

  They don't have an extradition treaty with the U.S.

  ACKNOWLEDGMENTS

  First and foremost, thank you, dear reader, for trying everything mentioned in this book. Nice going and sorry about all your shattered bones.

  Thanks to our families: Deb, Gail, Bill, and Risa. We don't like a lot of people, but we like you. We'll try to call more.

  Thanks to our friends, for sticking by us even though we keep demanding that you "like" our stuff on Facebook. We know it's awful. We're sorry.

  Thanks to Steven Malk, who opened up his heart, his home, and his elliptical machine to a couple knuckleheads with a dream.

  A huge thanks to everyone at Chronicle Books, especially Steve, Courtney, Emily, Emilie, April, Albee, and Alison. We're so happy to be a part of the Chronicle family. Is there any chance you can get us health insurance?

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  Avery Monsen and Jory John are the authors of All My Friends Are Dead, Pirate's Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers, I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York, and All My Friends Are Still Dead. They also created Open Letters, a comic panel which appears in newspapers across the country.

  Individually, Jory also writes for newspapers and Avery performs at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York.

  In their spare time, they make T-shirts at bigstonehead.net.

  Follow them on Twitter: @averymonsen and @joryjohn.

  You can send them letters, c/o the Kingdom of Cambodia.

  Text copyright © 2012 by Avery Monsen and Jory John.

  Illustrations copyright © 2011 by Avery Monsen.

  All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission form the publisher.

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available

  ISBN 978-1-4521-1919-9

  Designed by Avery Monsen

  Background textures for some images by Hillary Luetkemeyer (hibbary.deviantart.com).

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, California 94107

 

 

  Jory John, K is for Knifeball

  Thanks for reading the books on GrayCity.Net