I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York Read online

  ALSO BY THE AUTHORS

  I Could Go Either Way About Chicago

  I’m Really Up in the Air About Portland

  Los Angeles Certainly Has Its Pluses and Minuses

  Austin, Huh? Yeah, Maybe. On the Other Hand, Maybe Not.

  I Don’t Want to Make a Fuss, but Sacramento?

  Reno: Take It or Leave It

  By Avery Monsen and Jory John

  There is no place like [New York], no place with an atom of its glory, pride, and exultancy. It lays its hand upon a man’s bowels; he grows drunk with ecstasy; he grows young and full of glory, he feels that he can never die.

  —THOMAS WOLFE

  If you’re into that sort of thing.

  —AVERY AND JORY

  Contents

  FOREWORD BY THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

  INTRODUCTION

  EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

  STATUE OF LIBERTY

  TIMES SQUARE

  NEW YORK PIZZA

  FAO SCHWARZ

  ELLIS ISLAND

  LINCOLN CENTER

  AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

  SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

  KATZ’S DELICATESSEN

  THE SUBWAY

  GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL

  STRAND BOOKS

  ICE SKATING RINK AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER

  STREET FOOD

  APPLE STORE

  CHRYSLER BUILDING

  TAXIS

  OLD-TIMEY PHOTOS OF CONSTRUCTION WORKERS EATING LUNCH ON BEAMS OF SKYSCRAPERS WITH NO HARNESSES OR ANYTHING

  CENTRAL PARK

  GUGGENHEIM MUSEUM

  WALKING

  HUGE, SOMETIMES-OPEN STAIRWELLS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN SIDEWALK

  UNION SQUARE

  NEW YORK NEWSPAPERS

  NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY

  FASHION WEEK

  GREENWICH VILLAGE

  THE NEW YORKER

  SNOW

  SEX AND THE CITY

  WALL STREET

  UNITED NATIONS

  NEW YORK BAGELS

  CHINATOWN

  BROADWAY

  A GUIDE TO THE PUBLIC RESTROOMS OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK

  “THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS”

  CONCLUSION

  APPENDIX

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  I FEEL RELATIVELY DISAPPOINTED BY THIS BOOK HATE-MAIL FORM

  COPYRIGHT

  FOREWORD BY THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

  Hello, huddled readers, and welcome to this book about New York. My name is Lady “Statue of” Liberty, and I live on a very small island off a very big island, called Manhattan. Heard of it?

  I’m pretty famous. Not, like, Angelina Jolie famous, but famous enough where you’ve probably seen me on a postcard, or a TV show about New York, or a 3-D Magic Eye poster in a doctor’s office. Some of you have even waited in line to enter me, which sounds like the premise for a dirty movie (!!!) ROFL!

  Truth be told, sometimes it’s hard to be a representation of life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, especially while keeping my arm in this position. You try holding a torch above your head for 150 years. Seriously, the other statues were going on and on about isometrics, and how keeping my arm up like this would build muscle…but then I started to think, “What’s the point of building muscle when it’s all in one green arm and I can’t move?” Then I thought, “What’s the point of anything?”

  So here we are. And this foreword is supposed to be about New York, and about this book, and how I feel about both. Let’s start with the book: When I heard the premise, about being neutral about New York, I laughed out loud, at least in my mind. I thought that was funny, especially since everybody’s always going on and on about how great this place is. And some parts may be great, sure, but you try standing here, facing this brutal northbound wind and being gawked at by a bunch of mouth-breathers for decades on end. Does that sound fun to you?

  And then there was that time that David Copperfield made me disappear. Let me tell you: That was some serious bullshit. Not only did he not really make me disappear (which would’ve been some sweet relief, let me tell you), but the whole time he was just prancing around with this wind machine delicately tousling his hair. A wind machine. LOL! We got plenty of the real thing here, Dave. Why don’t you use a pollution machine, too? Or an obnoxious tourists machine? LMAO!

  Now, a lot of people are probably like, “Lady ‘Statue of’ Liberty, what’s your point?” My point is this: In my century-plus standing guard at the tippy-top, tuppy-tup of New York City, I’ve seen it all. The good, the bad, the ugly, the immigrants, the emigrants, the babies. I’ve seen the Yankees win the championship twenty-seven times, and the Knicks win eight conference titles, and I’ve seen Donald Trump turn this place into his personal ego trip. I’ve also seen the spirit of New York, when everybody has united, and I’ve seen the worst that the people and the city has to offer. Yes, I am a witness to it all.

  Like many New Yorkers, I’m an outsider, originally from France, now living in the melting pot full-time and doing my best to thrive and survive. Like many New Yorkers, I was skeptical about this book at first, but then I started thinking about it and how it actually does a pretty good job summing up my feelings about the island of Manhattan and its surrounding boroughs, whether it’s the pizza, buildings, bagels, or subway. I thought I’d be the last statue on Earth to say this, but I, too, feel relatively neutral about New York. And that’s a fact.

  In conclusion, please buy ten copies of this book. (I’m getting a percentage.)

  Sincerely,

  Lady “Statue of” Liberty

  INTRODUCTION

  New York City. The Capital of the Free World. The Big Apple That Never Sleeps, Even When It’s Asked Nicely. And so forth.

  There are plenty of ways to argue that New York is the best city in the history of cities. Just ask anyone wearing an I NY T-shirt. They’re easy to spot and they’ll go on for at least twenty New York Minutes, which, in standard U.S. time, is about seventeen minutes and thirty-two seconds. (The conversion is complicated and depends on the position of Earth relative to the moon.)

  But what about the rest of us, who think that at least sixteen of those New York Minutes might be nonsense? What about the hardworking, everyday folks who appreciate that, yes, New York is a pretty big city with a bunch of legitimately great things to offer, but it’s also (hear us out) sort of a hassle? Yes, it’s got amazing restaurants and tall buildings and important cultural events every night, but (again: please hear us out) there’s just so much hustle and bustle! Over here: hustle! Over there: bustle! Over here: a small puddle of urine! Over there: still more bustle! And if New York is so great, how come everybody clears out during the summer months? Answer: because it’s hot and uncomfortable. Ever smelled hot, uncomfortable urine? That’s why.

  Do we hate New York? No. Do we it? Occasionally. It depends. More often than not, we’re somewhere in the middle. Relatively neutral, if you will. On a scale from one to spectacular, we generally give New York a five. And we think there are millions of people in countless cities, states, and commonwealths1 that would agree.

  All right. We know what you’re thinking. You’re all: Why the eff would somebody write a book about New York, when they don’t have any particularly strong feelings about it, one way or another?! And why the eff would we read that effing book? To you, Aggressive Question Asker, we say: See? Exactly. Why so overheated, fella or lady-fella? And why are you waving that bagel at us so menacingly? Take it down a notch. Mellow out. Cool your New York Jets. When that’s over with, cool your New York Mets, whatever that means.

  (And for those of you who aren’t feeling it, we’ve enclosed
a handy I Feel Relatively Disappointed by This Book form. Simply purchase a copy of this book, fill out the form, and send it to our publisher. If you really hate it, buy two copies, so you can send two letters. It’s simple math.)

  The deepest satisfactions in life come from enjoying something for exactly what it is, and not getting bent out of shape over what it isn’t, or what you want it to be. New York is a lot of things, but it might not actually be what everyone makes it out to be. Right? Consider this book a guide to getting the most out of, and being the least disappointed in, your relationship with New York, whether you live there or not.

  So come along, why don’t you, on our ill-conceived, minimally researched journey through the Empire City. We can’t promise you’ll have fun, but we can promise it’ll only be ninety-six pages, and a lot of those pages are pictures.

  Shrug? Shrug, indeed.

  * * *

  1. We hope you’ll cosign on this one, American Samoa. It’s the least you can do.

  EMPIRE STATE BUILDING

  Have you ever stood atop the Empire State Building—the absolute highest point on Earth—gazing across all of Manhattan in the fading sunlight, pondering what brought you here and where you’re going, realizing that this is probably the closest you’ll ever be to heaven? Have you ever done that? Neither have we.

  But we do have to admit that it’s really neat that this is the tallest building in the world. Really. The tallest in the world? That’s a big deal. You put your mind on something and you nailed it, New York. Absolutely nailed it. And ain’t nobody taking that away from you. Congratulations on this. So let’s just move on to the next…

  What’s that?

  It’s not the what? Not the tallest anything? So, wait…when was it beaten…in 1954? By the Griffin Television Tower, in Oklahoma? So, you’re saying that New York has had a relatively tall building for the last fifty years? Huh.

  This. Is. Awkward.

  Okay. Tell you what: The Empire State Building definitely seems to be taller than everything in its general vicinity. So as long as nobody’s putting up any super-tall Starbucks1 or giant Walgreens on 5th Avenue anytime soon, your secret’s safe with us, E. S. Building.

  PROS: Very tall. Crazy tall. Almost too tall.

  CONS: Not tall enough.

  CONCLUSION: (Uncomfortable smile)

  AS OF PRESS TIME, THE SIXTEENTH TALLEST FREE-STANOING STRUCTURE IN THE WORLD. THAT’S FAIRLY TALL!

  * * *

  1. Possible name: “The Venti Building.”

  STATUE OF LIBERTY

  Lady Liberty. The Old Maid of the Sea. Old Green Eyes. Created in 1492,1 this statue gives all kinds of hope to the huddled masses, and it’s probably the biggest liberty-related statue you’ll encounter. So that’s good. That’s very good, and we all need to be inspired from time to time. And hey, a torch-bearing 150-foot French broad really does it for some people.2

  On the other hand, wasn’t it just a little bit satisfying to see Ms. Liberty up and disappear at the creepy-yet-delicate hands of David Copperfield? Or to see that big, pointy head roll in Cloverfield? Because, sure, the statue is a symbol of freedom and openness and the American dream, but it’s just as much a symbol of sweaty tourists elbowing you out of the way for a snapshot of their dumb kids pretending to hold the torch.

  And just how majestic is it to see seagulls pooping all over the physical manifestation of Liberty, all day, every day?

  Answer: It’s only sort of majestic.

  PROS: Awe-inspiring symbol of hope and possibility.

  CONS: Honestly, it kind of smells.

  CONCLUSION: We’ll think about it.

  CONTAINED WITHIN THE STATUE OF LIBERTY

  5%

  THE AMERICAN DREAM

  49%

  SEAGULL POOPIE

  12%

  LIBERTY

  16%

  FREEDOM

  10%

  PURSUIT OF HAPPINESS

  8%

  HOPE

  * * *

  1. Or something. Our next book: I Feel Relatively Neutral About Research.

  2. 150-foot Frenchmen.

  TIMES SQUARE

  Ah, Times Square, the Crossroads of the World, home to various ball droppings and Naked Cowboys.1

  You’re a major intersection of commerce, Times Square, what with your Bubba Gumps and your Planet Hollywoods and a lot of other quaint mom-and-pop shops, including Bubba Hollywoods and Planets Gump.

  And you’ve certainly cleaned up your seediness, as of late, replacing porno theaters with Disney stores and replacing homeless squeegee guys with Disney stores.3 Great job on that.

  Unfortunately, with all your Jumbotrons and blinky news crawlers, we can’t think straight. We try, but just as we’re about to think straight, an animated super-sign razzle-dazzles that notion right out of our heads, and suddenly we’ve got an uncontrollable urge to put on some mouse ears and buy a Samsung phone while drinking a Coke. And, sure, overwhelming comes with the flashy, glitzy territory. But, seriously, if we wanted a seizure, we’d induce it ourselves. Whatever that means.

  PROS: Razzle-dazzle, hubbub.

  CONS: Seizures, Naked Cowboys.

  CONCLUSION: Rain check?

  HERE‘S A NEWS CRAWLER FOR YOU, TIMES SQUARE: YOU ARE OVERWHELMING … YOU ARE OVERWHLEMING … YOU ARE OVERWHELMING …

  * * *

  1. And, unfortunately, the Naked Cowboy’s balls dropping.2

  2. Gross. Sorry…

  3. Hot seller: toy squeegees!

  NEW YORK PIZZA

  God, we love New York pizza. Yum yum yummers. Yummity yim yams.

  Right? Of course. But now that we’re thinking about it, you know what New York pizza reminds us of? It reminds us of every pizza, everywhere. Tampa pizza. Des Moines pizza. Albuquerque pizza. You know why? As it turns out, pizza is just cheese and sauce on top of bread.

  We know what you’re thinking: “No, it’s not.”

  But our point is: “Yes, it is. It absolutely is.”

  And we can prove it. With science. And cheese. And sauce. And more science. And some bread.

  Here’s our experiment: Give us a blindfold, a slice of cheese pizza from Brooklyn, and another from Guam. You honestly won’t know the difference. Honestly.

  Case closed. If you don’t believe that, you don’t believe in science.

  PROS: All pizza, everywhere, is really, really delicious. Yim yum.

  CONS: New York pizza is just pizza. And it’s going straight to your hips.

  CONCLUSION: (Half-shrug)

  CAN YOU MATCH EACH PIZZA SLICE WITH ITS PLACE OF ORIGIN?

  ANSWER: NO. NO, YOU CAN’T.

  FAO SCHWARZ

  Do you remember when, in fourth grade, your friend Chris Havermeyer came back from winter vacation, having visited his grandparents on the East Coast? He could barely contain himself. “They’ve got the biggest toy store in the world,” he whispered, his eyes filling with tears of joy. “It’s everything we ever wanted.”

  And then you watched Big and the legend grew. Any old toy store would have drawn you in; your tiny, idiotic child-brain always went fuzzy for anything new and shiny and plastic. But this was the mother of all toy stores, the closest thing to Santa’s workshop you were ever going to encounter. You swore that one day you’d make it to this shining mecca. You’d pound out “Chopsticks” on that giant piano and take home a huge stuffed elephant if it was your last worldly act.

  Now, of course, you’re an adult, and you realize upon entering FAO Schwarz that this is just a toy store. These toys aren’t made in Santa’s workshop. They’re made in China, where the toys are made by elves, if by “elves” you mean “children.” And the Big piano has since been replaced with a look-alike and pushed off into a corner. And what were you thinking buying that stuffed elephant? There’s no way that’s fitting in your tiny apartment, unless you move the bed next to the sink and the bookshelf into the bathroom in what will seem like the largest, saddest game of Tetris ever played.

/>   On the door, at adult eye level, they should inscribe, “Abandon hope, all ye who enter here,” because that, my friends, is the death of a dream.

  PROS: It’s a very large toy store.

  CONS: Chris Havermeyer has given you unreasonable expectations of what a very large toy store can be.

  CONCLUSION: If you need a toy, they might have it. If you’re chasing a dream, probably better just to rent Big.

  THE DEATH OF A DREAM

  This used to be $74.50 in your pocket. Now it’s one step cl,oser to your appearance on Hoarders. It‘s time to find Chris havermeyer on Facebook and tell him off.

  ELLIS ISLAND

  It was the gateway to our great nation, where some twelve million immigrants took their first steps out of cramped, disease-filled freighters, in search of the American Dream.1 Now, of course, to get there, you can just take a cramped, disease-filled ferry, which leaves every thirty minutes from Battery Park. To get on the ferry, you have to go through an elaborate screening process, removing belts and shoes and jackets. It feels almost like the Ellis Island of the 1800s, but with fewer filthy Irish!2

  On the island, you can take hourly ranger-guided tours (semi-interesting) or look up your genealogy in the museum’s American Family Immigration History Center (semi-boring3).

  Sure, Ellis Island’s an important part of history. But it turns out you can look up all that ancestry stuff online. (Plus watch hilarious cat videos!) And on the Internet, there’s little to no chance you’ll miss the last ferry off the island and be trapped overnight, subject to the ghostly nagging of your immigrant ancestors about why you never call.