I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York Read online

  PROS: History.

  CONS: History can be sort of a hassle.

  CONCLUSION: If you’ve got nothing better to do, maybe.

  SHOULD YOU VISIT ELLIS ISLAND?

  Are you really interested in your family’s history?

  REALLY?

  Okay, fine. But do you have twelve bucks for the ferry?

  Also, is your stomach okay on boats?

  Wait, didn’t you bring your Dramamine?

  You still in?

  Also, and we don’t want to burst any bubbles here, but chances are, if you could meet your ancestors, like, if you could travel back in time and have a nice long chat with your great-great-pee-paw, you’d probably just be shocked at how racist everybody was back then.

  * * *

  1. A sixty-inch TV and four-pound bags of Doritos.

  2. Just kidding, Irish. Nothing but love.

  3. Just kidding, family. Nothing but love.

  LINCOLN CENTER

  Just like Abraham Lincoln himself, Lincoln Center is ten stories tall and gorgeous. When you walk up to the center on a cold, starry night and you gaze into his dreamy eyes…er, through its dreamy windows at the swirly Marc Chagall angel murals hanging within, you can’t help thinking that President Lincoln, upon looking inside, would marvel at its grandeur. And then he’d probably wonder how he had been transported 150 years into the future. He’d see you using your cell phone and freak the eff out. But then, because he’s Abraham Lincoln, he’d probably figure it out. Did you know he patented a system to alter the buoyancy of steamboats? It’s true. He was like his era’s Ron Popeil, inventor of the Showtime Rotisserie, Chop-O-Matic, Veg-O-Matic, Smokeless Ashtray, and the Cap Snaffler, which snaffles caps off any size jug, bottle, or jar. Did Lincoln have caps in need of snaffling? We’ll never know.

  But that’s neither here nor there.

  Inside Lincoln Center, miles of red carpet will make you feel like television’s Joan Rivers,1 and the center’s rich and dynamic programs featuring the philharmonic orchestra, ballet, symphony, opera, chamber music, jazz, theater arts, and avant-garde films can make you feel uniquely and efficiently uncultured when you walk past it to go see the latest 3-D Jackass movie at the AMC 13 multiplex three blocks up.

  PROS: Named after Lincoln.

  CONS: Would probably frighten Lincoln.

  CONCLUSION: You’re probably underdressed.

  LINCOLN THE CENTER VS. LINCOLN THE MAN

  Sixteen acres Sixteenth president of our nation

  A complex of buildings A complex individual

  Home to twelve major performance facilities Home to 206 bones, 600 muscles, and 22 major internal organs

  Accepts five-dollar bills and pennies (among other money) Pictured on five-dollar bills and pennies (among other memorabilia)

  Free music on Thursdays Freed the slaves, forever

  SLIGHT ADVANTAGE: LINCOLN THE MAN

  * * *

  1. Or, to an equally grating extent, television’s Melissa Rivers.

  AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY

  We stood in the lobby for a while. It’s a pretty nice space, with a giant dinosaur skeleton in the middle. We were tempted to touch it—it’s so lifelike!—but there were four security guards eyeing us. Security guards ruin everything. Don’t even get us started on our blocked attempt to get inside Trump Tower, for purposes of research. That was some serious bullshit. Who does this Trump guy think he is?

  Anyway, there’s an important distinction between the museum’s lobby and the rest of the building. The lobby is free, whereas you have to pay a “suggested donation” to see everything else. We don’t respond well to “museum guilt,” or “supporting the arts,” so we simply sat and watched the dinosaur. Nothing much happened. Granted, it was nice that some archaeologists took the time to piece this guy together and all, and to pose him in a lifelike fashion, but honestly, it was kind of a letdown. Turns out, if you’ve seen one huge dinosaur skeleton, you’ve kind of seen them all.

  The takeaway? Not nearly as many exhibits come to life as Night at the Museum would have you believe.

  PROS: Dinosaur bones, precious jewels, planetarium.

  CONS: Ben Stiller is a liar.

  CONCLUSION: Whatever.

  “ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.”

  SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE

  There’s no denying that Saturday Night Live is a cultural institution. Seriously, don’t try.

  But hey! You know when everybody’s always all, “You can’t touch those early days of SNL,” and you’re all like, “Yeah, everything used to be so brilliant and laugh-out-loud funny. It’s a cultural institution!” And then your friend Dave walks into the room, and he’s all like, “Did I hear you guys talking about my favorite institution of culture: early SNL? It is untouchable. Like that one vase on your top shelf, Marta.” And then Marta’s all, “Um, that’s an urn.” And then everybody’s silent for a while, including the urn.

  But here’s something weird: Have you seen early SNL recently? Take a look. For every solid laugh, there are two or three or thirteen sketches that just end with a coked-up Chevy Chase bumbling his lines and taking a spill and permanently injuring his back. Nostalgia has its place, sure.1 But let’s call it like it is and say the show’s always had its ups and downs.

  We’ll keep watching, yes, but only because it’s on.

  PROS: Bill Murray, Eddie Murphy, Phil Hartman, Amy Poehler.

  CONS: Joe Piscopo, Chris Kattan, Molly Shannon, Cheri Oteri.

  CONCLUSION: Pretty okay.

  LAUGHTER BY YEAR: 1975 TO PRESENT

  * * *

  1. Nostalgiaville, which is an actual city in Ohio!2

  2. Not an actual city.

  KATZ’S DELICATESSEN

  Katz’s Deli is a New York institution. Meg Ryan totally faked an orgasm in there, and it was totally in a movie. So if you’re the type of person who likes to eat in places where famous people fake orgasms, then we wholeheartedly recommend Katz’s.

  However, if you don’t know whether you’re that type of person, we’ve got a quick quiz to help you decide. Which of the following best completes this sentence: “I’m hungry, and I’d like a sandwich, _______________________________”

  A)…so let’s go to whatever deli is closest and tastiest.

  B)…so let’s go where the service is passable and the facilities are reasonably well maintained and hygienic.

  C)…but what I really want to know is, did Meg Ryan, at some point, pretend to have an orgasm at our proposed dining establishment? That’s really all I’m looking for. Sandwiches are good, too, I guess, as long as when I get there I can point at a woman and say, “I’ll have what she’s having,” and everybody will burst into spontaneous laughter and/or applause and/or orgasm.

  If you chose A or B, you might want to consider any number of relatively decent dining establishments in the area. But if you chose C, congratulations! Katz’s is your destination. Enjoy your eighteen-dollar sandwich. It’ll be worth every penny! Probably!

  PROS: Delicious, hand-carved pastrami, with a side of celebrity ‘gasm.

  CONS: Every sandwich looks like a pig exploded into some bread.

  CONCLUSION: Eat what you want. It’s your life.

  KATZ’S PRICE BREAKDOWN

  5¢ BREAD

  75¢ PASTRAMI

  8¢ SAUERKRAUT

  2¢ MUSTARD

  $17 FAMOUS FAKE ORGASM

  10¢ CHEESE

  THE SUBWAY

  Q. Where does it go?

  A. Everywhere!

  Q. How much does it cost?

  A. Relatively little!

  Q. What’s that smell?

  A. Urine!

  PROS: It can get you anywhere for only two dollars. Honestly, that is a totally reasonable amount of money to pay to get all over the place. Neat.

  CONS: We saw a rat on an L train. In the actual train car. We think it may have been going to work. Where did this particular rat work, you ask? On the J train.

 
CONCLUSION: It’s got problems, but we still use it.

  POP QUIZ: WHICH DOOR DO YOU CHOOSE?

  DOOR 1: Sit next to television’s Alec Baldwin!

  DOOR 2: Is that a small puddle of blood on the floor?

  DOOR 3: A team of break-dancing teens performs and asks you for money. One dancer seems like his heart isn’t really in it.

  DOOR 4: Sit next to television’s Stephen Baldwin! (He also asks you for money.)

  ANSWER: THERE IS NO RIGHT ANSWER. NAMASTE.

  GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL

  Don’t call it Grand Central Station. Whooo, buddy. Don’t do that.

  When it opened in 1871, it was called Grand Central Depot. Then they rebuilt it and called it a station. Then, in 1913, they rebuilt it again, and called it a terminal. That’s what your cabbie will tell you if you call it Grand Central Station.

  “It’s a terminal!” he’ll say, wrenching his body around to look you straight in the eyes. His name will be Tony, and he’ll really know his stuff. “Did you know they recently filmed part of Old Dogs there?” he’ll ask. You won’t know that because you won’t have seen Old Dogs. Nobody saw Old Dogs.

  Then, about three minutes into Tony’s impromptu Grand Central/Old Dogs lesson, you’ll realize that, with his eyes on you and your eyes on him, there are quite literally no eyes on the road. Do the math! Not a single eye!

  Well, don’t worry. You’ll make it to Grand Central Terminal. Tony’s a pro! And you’ll sit on the steps in the main concourse, with the vaulted ceilings and the huge clock, and you’ll watch everyone rushing around to get to wherever they’re going, and the light will stream in through those huge windows, and you’ll feel like, yes, someone did something very right here.

  And then a security guard will tell you not to sit on the steps. Because, at the end of the day, Grand Central Terminal doesn’t care about your moments of clarity. It doesn’t care that you’ve just found a little bit of peace within this crazy city. It’s just a big train station, er, depot, er, terminal. Dang.

  PROS: It’s a really nice place to almost have a really nice moment.

  CONS: As it turns out, there’s a reason nobody saw Old Dogs.

  CONCLUSION: One thumb up.

  THREE PEOPLE PICTURED HERE HAVE SEEN OLD DOGS. ONE ENJOYED IT. HIS NAME: JOHN TRAVOLTA.

  STRAND BOOKS

  Oh, Strand, you boastful boaster. Yes, we’re impressed. You have eighteen miles of books, and that certainly seems like more book-miles than most other people have. In the having-the-most-miles-of-books competition, you’re the winner by a landslide, or a bookslide, which, yikes, we’d rather not think about while browsing your overstacked aisles.

  At the same time, Strand, it should be noted that your building is not eighteen miles long. That would be crazy. It would stretch from Union Square in Manhattan to a shark’s den in the Atlantic Ocean. And can you imagine books in the ocean? They’d get all wet. And there would be sharks!

  Instead, those eighteen miles are folded over on top of each other in one tall building, like small intestines packed inside a torso, if intestines were organized by genre.1 The books are all stacked up super-high, where nobody can reach them, and crammed into every little corner, where only the smallest among us could survive. By our estimate, twelve of those book-miles are too high to reach, and the other six miles are teen vampire romances. And who needs that many of those? Not us, Strand. Not us.

  PROS: Lots of books. Books everywhere.

  CONS: We’re afraid they’re going to fall on us.

  CONCLUSION: It would actually be a little more interesting as an eighteen-mile-long underwater reading room.

  EIGHTEEN MILES OF BOOKS, BY THE NUMBERS

  IT ADDS UP TO EIGHTEEN MILES. WE CHECKED.

  TEEN VAMPIRE EPICS: 5.3 MILES OF BOOKS

  BIBLICAL TREASURE HUNT THRILLERS: 3.2 MILES OF BOOKS

  OPRAH’S BOOK CLUB PICKS: 1.3 MILES OF BOOKS

  TEEN WIZARD SAGAS: 4.6 MILES OF BOOKS

  EAT, PRAY, LOVE: 2.6 MILES OF BOOKS

  ASSORTED CLANCYS, GRISHAMS, AND SUCH: 1.0 MILES OF BOOKS

  * * *

  1. Fun fact: Did you know that if you pulled your small intestine out and laid it in a straight line, it would be exactly eighteen miles long, just like Strand Books? It’s true!2 If you laid it all out, it’d stretch all the way to a shark’s den, where a family of sharks would quickly devour it. You’d be all, “Whoa, sharks, cut that out! I just wanted to see how far my small intestine would stretch if I laid it out in a straight line. Just because something reaches to your fucking shark’s den doesn’t mean there’s an open invitation to chomp the hell out of it.” But if we’ve learned anything from Shark Week, it’s that, where small intestines are concerned, sharks just don’t listen to reason.

  2. Not actually true.

  ICE SKATING RINK AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER

  Like a United Nations on ice, the skating rink at Rockefeller Center is lined by flags representing all the nations of the world. At last, an ice rink where diplomats can wear Spandex and hold hands during couple’s skate!

  But somehow we weren’t surprised to see three guys in the middle of the rink, skating around like they owned the place. These grandstanders—representing the People’s Republic of Showoffistan—were twirling and leaping and lutzing and…is it clear that we don’t know ice skating terminology?

  Is a lutz even a thing?

  In a way, it was kind of comforting to walk up to the rink and know—just know—that there would be three guys in the dead center, guys who have come out to the rink just about every day of their adult lives and who take it so seriously even though, to be totally blunt, all that lutzing probably isn’t going to lead anywhere outside of this particular rink unless it ends up in the background of an Al Roker weather segment, before he tells you what’s happening in your neck of the woods.

  Today’s forecast: three men, humbly dedicated to the beautiful art of ice dancing, with a slight chance of pent-up aggression and broken dreams. Sigh.

  PROS: The flags look neat and there’s that big gold statue. That thing probably has a name.

  CONS: After about thirty seconds, you can’t get away from the creeping thought that your entire life, every worldly choice you’ve made, has lead you to an ice skating rink.

  CONCLUSION: Brrrrr.

  THE MOVES OF THE ICE RINK SHOWOFF

  THE CRY FOR HELP, THE SILENT SCREAM, THE SHOWER SOB, THE DOUBLE-TWISTING ABSENT FATHER, THE FULL-ROTATING ONLY-RAMEN-EATER

  STREET FOOD

  HOT DOGS

  Mmm: They’re as American as an apple pie!

  Hmm: (Apple pie made of reconstituted meat slurry, left in an all-day, dirty-water soak served by employees with no “must wash hands” policy.)

  NUTS 4 NUTS

  Mmm: Roasted almonds and a sweet, crunchy coating are the Lennon & McCartney of the snack world. The Lennon-almond provides a solid, thoughtful core, while the ostentatious but skillful McCartney-coating sweetens the deal. Delicious.

  Hmm: Maybe this is a matter of personal preference, but is anyone really taking those cashews seriously? The cashew is definitely Ringo. (The quiet, spiritual nut-bag is George.)

  HALAL CART

  Mmm: Gyros, kebabs, and chicken-and-rice plates! Have we died and gone to heaven? (In this afterlife scenario, lambs and chickens have also died and entered heaven, only to be immediately double-killed by butcher-angels and served to us as a tasty snack.)

  Hmm: Make sure wherever you’re going next has a comfortable bathroom. That’s a lot of trust to put in a stranger with a metal box full of meat.

  PRETZELS

  Mmm: Totally filling! Totally inexpensive! Totally pretzels!

  Hmm: It’s like biting into a live python made entirely of carbohydrates. You’ll enjoy the first two bites, before being hit in the kisser with a case of Ultimate Drymouth.

  APPLE STORE

  Okay, we’re aware that there are other Apple Stores in other cities, but the 5th Avenue Manhattan locat
ion is so distinctive that we’ve given it its very own entry in our very own book. Why? Because this Apple Store is one big glassy box with a glass elevator in the middle and a see-through stairway, complete with wrap-around glass banister. If that wasn’t enough, 90 percent of the employees are made out of glass. It’s crazy that Apple management was somehow able to find so many recent college graduates whose bodies are made out of pure, hand-blown glass. We haven’t seen so much glass, in fact, since the last time we were admiring our collection of early 1900s figurines shaped like fairies and baseball players, which sit on the shelf directly above our depressing spoon collection. And right below our awesome snow globe collection.

  The 5th Avenue location is a temple in celebration of Apple’s use of technology to demonstrate just how many greasy fingerprints you can leave on a smooth surface in the course of a day. When we were there, a lone, nontransparent Apple employee made a continual round of the cube to wipe off customers’ smudgy fingerprints with his rag.1

  Apple chose New York in which to place its crystal castle. Their message: New Yorkers enjoy high design. Our message: Jeez, New Yorkers, wash your hands!