I Feel Relatively Neutral About New York Read online

  CATS VS. HUMANS: A COMPARATIVE ANALYSIS

  CATS Cute

  HUMANS Generally pretty good

  CATS DRESSED AS HUMANS Super cute

  HUMANS DRESSED AS CATS Sad and sort of disturbing

  * * *

  1. Okay, we understand that Cats closed in 2000, but doesn’t it feel like it’s still playing? Like maybe we’re all Jellicle cats?

  A GUIDE TO THE PUBLIC RESTROOMS OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK

  (L-R)

  Hasn’t been cleaned since the Clinton administration.

  Fine, but you’ll have to buy their coffee.

  Surprisingly nice, actually.

  Won’t flush.

  Currently out of order. Try 152nd Street.

  Just pretend you’ve got a room at their hotel.

  “THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS”

  Never, New York? Not ever? Really?

  Hmm.

  Wait, are you sure? You’re saying you never, ever sleep?

  That just seems like a crazy thing to say. We don’t want to beat a dead horse, here, but you’re saying you never sleep, you’ve never slept, and you never will sleep? That’s what you’re saying?

  Like, not even when you’re really, really tired? Or when you’ve got something important to do the next day and you want to make sure you’re on the ball and looking fresh?

  Okay, what about after a big meal? You’re telling us with a straight face that you don’t get sleepy after a big ol’ turkey din-din? No? Well, that just seems bonkers, to be honest. It seems like we exist in two totally different realities. Because in this reality over here—in this non-bonkers reality over here—first you have turkey-time, then you have nappy-time. It’s a whole…thing.

  So you never sleep, huh?

  Well, it sounds like somebody’s going to be a cwanky city in the mowning.

  PROS: There’s always something to do.

  CONS: It’s always happening right outside your window.

  CONCLUSION: Just drink some warm milk and take a nap, New York.

  You don’t have to prove anything to us.

  SOMETIMES, SLEEPING CAN BE REALLY NICE. JUST LOOK AT THIS ADORABLE PUPPY. HIS NAME IS CHAMP.

  CONCLUSION

  Well, look at you, Sporto! You made it. You’ve read our entire book, from cover to cover. You sat down and promptly disregarded all prior commitments because you literally could not stop turning these pages. Weeks have passed. Seasons have changed. Boyz have become men. Look in the mirror. That beard wasn’t there when you started. (It looks great, by the way. You look like Gandalf’s cool, younger brother. Or Dumbledore’s hot, bearded sister. Depending.)

  So what conclusions can we draw about New York? Well, we’ve done the math and punched the numbers and accounted for all of New York’s various sights and sounds and smells, and it turns out the Big Apple is…wait for it…here it comes…

  PRETTY OKAY, OR WHATEVER!

  There’s lots of good stuff in New York, sure. There are things that you honestly can’t get anywhere else. That view from the top of the Empire State Building, for instance. Or the smell of Central Park in late October. Or the feeling that the city itself is somehow alive and pulling you in a hundred directions at once, rife with possibility. No matter how we try, we just can’t take that stuff away from New York. Of course, there’s plenty of stuff that you can definitely skip, or maybe just watch in a YouTube video, or buy in postcard form. Like, we wouldn’t touch the actual Statue of Liberty with a stick. You know how many germs are on that beast? So many germs! A postcard, on the other hand, is relatively clean and makes Lady Liberty look lovely and quite liberty-filled. So that’s the take away: Some things good, other things, maybe not so good.

  Also, we should probably take this opportunity to apologize to the people of New York: We’re sorry, people of New York. We didn’t mean to hurt you with our poorly researched, half-assed critiques of your city. To anyone that we’ve offended: We offer you this metaphorical, but totally sincere, olive branch, free of charge (with price of book plus tax).

  To anyone that’s still offended even after we’ve apologized: We take back our apology. You’re too sensitive, and you’re being sort of a dick about it. Go sit on a New York bagel.

  Well, we’ve done it again. Jeesh. We should probably just end this and move on to something else before we get into any more hot water. For the record, though, after month upon month of writing this book, after thinking about New York, talking about it, and generally living it…we would like to state definitively, for the record, with or without your consensus or approval: We’re still relatively neutral.

  End of story and, coincidentally enough, end of book.1

  * * *

  1. Except for the appendix and stuff.

  APPENDIX

  IN THE NAME OF COMPLETENESS AND INCLUSIVITY, SOME OTHER NEW YORK-RELATED THINGS WE FEEL RELATIVELY NEUTRAL ABOUT

  Boroughs: Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, the Bronx, and any other boroughs we might have missed

  Mayors: Koch, Dinkins, Giuliani, Bloomberg, Dinkles, Binkles, Broomberg, and McCheese

  Sports teams: the Knicks, Mets, Yankees, Rangers, Jets, Giants, Liberty, and sports in general, in which we were frequently picked last

  Buildings: the Woolworth Building, Seagram Building, MetLife Building, Flatiron Building, Trump Building, Trump Tower, Trump Castle, Trump Apartments, Trump Duplex, Trump Sidewalk, Trump Moat, and Trumpland

  Bridges: Brooklyn Bridge, Manhattan Bridge, Williamsburg Bridge, and most other bridges, including Beau, but excluding Jeff, who has done great work in recent years

  Celebrities: Spike Lee, Woody Allen, David Letterman, Robert DeNiro, Al Pacino, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Danny Aiello, James Caan, Neil Diamond, Richard Dreyfus, Jerry Seinfeld, and Howard Stern

  New York Botanical Gardens, rooftop gardens, gardens in general, people who talk about gardens, nature, and people who talk about nature

  New Jersey, because of its proximity, pollution, and reputation

  Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, Ryan Seacrest’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve, anything else related to Ryan Seacrest or New Year’s, which is almost always a letdown

  Bjork (because her name rhymes with “York”)

  New York Movies: New York Minute, Maid in Manhattan, I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry, Night at the Museum, Analyze That

  New York-based TV shows: Friends, Dateline, Ugly Betty, Gossip Girl, N.Y.P.D. anything, The View, The Today Show, Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, As the World Turns, and Law and Order

  The “I New York” logo

  Other cities, towns, and villages in the state of New York, including Afton, Akron, Albion, Alexander, Alfred, Amboy, Amity, Bath, Bedford, Beekman, Berne, Canaan, Candor, Catskills, Chester, Clayton, Clyde, Decatur, Dunkirk, East Bloomfield, Elmira, Evans, Fabius, Fishkill, Fulton, Fultonville, Galway, Gates, Genoa, Hamilton, Homer, Ithaca, Jewett, Knox, Lake Success, Le Ray, Le Roy, Macomb, Manheim, Niagara, Nyack, Oakfield, Olive, Oxford, Oyster Bay Cove Parish, Pawling, Pelham, Queensbury, Quogue, Ramapo, Red Hook, Richburg, Sag Harbor, Sanford, Scio, Sharon, Throop, Tioga, Tyrone, Ulster, Utica, Valatie, Victor, Waddington, Waterloo, Worth, XXX, Yonkers, and Zew York

  Listen: We’re just two guys. Was there something really important that we should have talked about? Probably. Don’t worry, though. The hate-mail form is just a few pages away.

  YORKS THAT ARE NEWER THAN NEW YORK

  Cape York Peninsula in Australia, named in 1770

  York, an inland town in Western Australia, settled in 1831

  York Peppermint Patties, created in 1940

  Dick York, star of Bewitched, born in 1928

  THINGS MORE INTERESTING THAN CENTRAL PARK THAT YOU COULD FIT INTO CENTRAL PARK

  9 Disneylands

  100 scale models of Central Park at 1/100th scale

  64,000 humpback whales, each wearing a party hat

  NEW YORKERS WHO WANT TO LECTURE YOU

  A guest lecturer at NYU

  T
he guy who boards the subway between the two longest stops and begins with, “I’m sorry to bother you, ladies and gentlemen…”

  A guest lecturer at Columbia University

  NOTABLE BROOKLYN WRITERS

  Jonathan Lethem

  Jonathan Ames

  Jonathan Franzen

  Jonathan Safran Foer

  Jonathan Livingston Seagull

  Betty “Jonathan” Smith

  MEDIOCRE NEW YORK FILMS FEATURING A LOST BABY, CHILD, OR AUTHOR

  Home Alone 2: Lost in New York (1992)

  Baby’s Day Out (1994)

  A good-bye message that Avery recorded on his iPhone while lost on the subway and fearing the worst (2011)

  SIMPLIFIED CONVERSION OF STANDARD U.S. MINUTES (SM) TO NEW YORK MINUTES (NYM), DEPENDING ON THE DAY OF THE WEEK AND THE WEATHER

  SUN OVERCAST (OR SCATTERED SHOWERS) HEAVY RAIN SNOW

  MON NYM = SM × 1.4 NYM = SM ± 3 NYM = SM NYM = SM ÷ the current age of the President of the United States

  TUES NYM = SM × 1.4 NYM = 4 NYM = SM × the current temperature, Fahrenheit NYM = SM

  WEDS (EXCEPT 2ND WEDS OF EACH MONTH) NYM = SM×1.4 NYM = 4±3 NYM = SM±3 NYM = SM±1.4

  2ND WEDS OF EACH MONTH not applicable not applicable mostly inapplicable not applicable

  THURS, FRI, AND SAT NYM = SM × 1.5 (except for February, when the multiplicand is again 1.4) NYM = NYM NYM = SM × sum of alphanumeric conversion of current pet’s name NYM = SM, usually

  SUN NYM = SM × 1.4 NYM = 15% of U.S. GDP NYM = SM NYM = SM ± 3

  ABOUT THE AUTHORS

  AVERY MONSEN is a writer and artist and actor currently living in Queens, New York. Yes, the Queens, New York. If you want to know the truth, he’s terrified of what’ll happen to him once this book comes out. He absolutely can’t defend himself in a fistfight, and he doesn’t have health insurance.

  JORY JOHN is a writer and journalist currently living in San Francisco, California. Yes, the San Francisco, California. It’s absolutely the safer of the two coasts, if you’ve just written a book about New York being mediocre. Obviously, Jory’s terrified of what’ll happen to Avery once this book comes out. Avery is frail and malnourished and cries easily, especially at rom-coms.

  As a team, Avery Monsen and Jory John are also the coauthors of Pirate’s Log: A Handbook for Aspiring Swashbucklers and All My Friends Are Dead, both published by Chronicle Books. The first one was a kids’ book for kids. The second, a kids’ book for grown-ups. Their current book, which you’re currently holding, is a grown-up book for nobody, in particular. Hmm.

  Both Avery and Jory feel relatively neutral about “About the Authors” pages. This attempt is a first draft.

  For more Avery and Jory, visit them online at www.neutralnewyork.com or www.bigstonehead.net.

  I FEEL RELATIVELY DISAPPOINTED BY THIS BOOK HATE-MAIL FORM

  Dear Avery Monsen and Jory John,

  I don’t think I’ve ever been this angry. I’m usually a calm, even-tempered person, but your shitty book about New York has got me so riled up I want to punch kittens. Here’s why: (choose at least one)

  YOU CLEARLY DON’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT NEW YORK.

  Neither of you grew up in New York, and Avery only moved there after the book was written! Who do you think you are? Your lazy Wikipedia-based research is riddled with Wikipedia-based inaccuracies. Maybe your next book should be called How to Con Publishers Into Paying You to Write About Things You Know Nothing About. Seems like you’re pretty good at that.

  YOUR BOOK ISN’T FUNNY.

  I bought this book because I thought your previous book, All My Friends Are Dead, was funny. (I continue to buy it for all my friends as birthday and holiday gifts.) What happened to you since then? Family tragedy? Head injury? Something is seriously less funny about the way you string words together. Why can’t you write a book with more than 300 words in it without choking?

  YOUR BOOK IS INCOMPLETE.

  Why wasn’t there a page about the Yankees? Or the Mets? Or Brooklyn? Or Queens? Or the Bronx? Or Staten Island? Or Long Island? Or JFK Airport? Or LaGuardia Airport; that place is a nightmare! Or the Flatiron Building? Or Trump Tower? Or Carnegie Deli? Or Carnegie Hall? Or Tamany Hall? Or Tamany Deli, if that exists. Or Michael Bloomberg? Or David Letterman? Or Jerry Seinfeld? Or Woody Allen? Or Spike Lee? Or Marty Scorsece? WHY?!

  I HATE YOUR STUPID NAMES.

  They’re barely even names, as far as I’m concerned. Honestly, what’s a “Jory”? If you say it five times in a row, it becomes gibberish. And “Avery”? More like a-very bad name that your parents chose.

  I FOUND A TYPO.

  Nice copyediting, assholes. For $20, I could’ve told you that a period goes inside the quotation marks, or whatever.

  THERE ARE A NUMBER OF THINGS WRONG WITH MY LIFE, BUT, FOR THE TIME BEING, IT’S EASIER TO VENT MY FRUSTRATIONS ON YOU THAN DEAL WITH THEM.

  My son won’t talk to me. Any tips?

  In conclusion, I hope you both get a rash. If you already have a rash, my hope is that it will worsen or spread to your face, more specifically, to your eyes.

  Yours in seething rage,

  Mr. Mrs. Ms. (Print your First, Middle initial and Last name)

  Age?

  E-mail?

  I’d like a signed 8×10 photo of the authors for framing. YES OKAY

  How much did you dislike this book? (Add 1 to 5 flip-offs.)

  THANK YOU FOR YOUR INPUT!

  Copyright © 2011 by Avery Monsen and Jory John. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form without written permission from the publisher.

  Image credits:

  Corbis: © Bettmann/CORBIS: OLD-TIMEY PHOTOS OF CONSTRUCTION WORKERS EATING LUNCH ON BEAMS OF SKYSCRAPERS WITH NO HARNESSES OR ANYTHING; Myles Davidson /stock.xchng: WALL STREET; Jory John: CAT top left; Avery Monsen: STATUE OF LIBERTY, TIMES SQUARE, LINCOLN CENTER left, AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, THE SUBWAY, APPLE STORE, TAXIS, CENTRAL PARK (top,) WALKING, HUGE, SOMETIMES-OPEN STAIRWELLS RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE DAMN SIDEWALK, NEW YORK PUBLIC LIBRARY, UNITED NATIONS, muffin; Jim Naureckas: UNION SQUARE; Marielle Solan (www.MarielleSolan.com): KATZ’S DELICATESSEN, ICE SKATING RINK AT ROCKEFELLER CENTER, STREET FOOD, nuts, BROADWAY, bottom right; Petteri Sulonen: “THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS”; Veer: © Yuri Arcurs /Veer: CENTRAL PARK bottom, © Stephane Benito /Veer: SEX AND THE CITY (Earth), © bernjuer /Veer: STREET FOOD, pretzel, © Cepn /Veer: CENTRAL PARK, top, © Coprid /Veer: CENTRAL PARK, second from bottom, © Corbis Photography /Veer: SNOW, © Cheryl Davis /Veer: BROADWAY, bottom left, © ErickN /Veer: EMPIRE STATE BUILDING, © Habman_18 /Veer: BROADWAY, top right, © kovalvs /Veer: FASHION WEEK, © Only Fabrizio /Veer: STREET FOOD, Halal Cart, © Pedro /Veer: CENTRAL PARK, second from top, © pzAxe /Veer: FAO SCHWARZ, © Pere Sanz /Veer: SEX AND THE CITY, (Space), © Lee Snider /Veer: CHINATOWN, © stu99 /Veer: GRAND CENTRAL TERMINAL, © Hieng Ling Tie /Veer: A GUIDE TO THE PUBLIC RESTROOMS OF THE CITY OF NEW YORK, © thatsmymop /Veer: LINCOLN, The Man (right), © Pakhnyushkhyy Vitaliy /Veer: WALL STREET, (Money)

  Library of Congress Cataloging-in-Publication Data is available.

  ISBN: 978-1-4521-0562-8

  Design and illustration by Avery Monsen and Jon Adams

  Chronicle Books LLC

  680 Second Street

  San Francisco, California 94107

  www.chroniclebooks.com